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Unless one is inquiring as to why he is suffering, he is not a perfect human being. Humanity begins when this inquiry is awakened in the mind. Every activity of the human being is said to be a failure unless this inquiry is present. One should ask, "Where am I from? Where am I going? Why am I here?" - A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada.
Hello world. I am having a full body, mind, and soul existential crisis. I just don't know who I am this day, and I can be sure that i'll be someone completely different tomorrow. I was a sorry excuse for a human being yesterday. I don't feel like being kind to myself. My soul is angry. I have an angry, frustrated, condemned soul that I feel is the most powerful and powerless aspect of my entire universe. I feel that i have never really felt my soul or let it in, or out. It's never felt like a part of my being, and conversly, it has never had the enjoyment of self-expression or co-creation in any aspect of my life to date. For twenty-two years my wounded hurt angry and repressed soul has been like a genie in a bottle. Mighty, powerful, able to grant any wish, small or mighty, and yet trapped and chained in a tiny bottle, lost to the desert sands. It's sat by, has my soul, and witnessed (what it considers) atrocity, pain, torment, and sacrifce --one after the other after the other, and now it's ANGRY! AND disgusted. With all that makes life the way I have lived it. My soul is the most frightening thing. It's been cast aside and ignored and neglected. It's vibrating with anger and fury almost to the point of demonism. I have ALWAYS felt, that if I used even a TINY FRACTION of the enormity of what my soul knows, I should be instantly demonised and called satan. I'm already called eclectic, inane, half-crazy, and insane. And that's by people who "love" me. Yeah, right... love is a stupid concept. It's only use is in offering a false hope to depressed and lonely people. I can be called nothing if not provocative. I WANT love to be real, but people have to MAKE IT real!!!! it's up to you--will you make LOVE REAL? Will you make REAL LOVE! will you clap your hands and say you believe in love~! Do I have a demonic soul? Sometimes I don't know what side I'm on. If everybody is good, then I'm definately bad--I'm not with the majority. And I don't fucking care. Do you know why my soul is so AGITATED and misaligned? It's because the soul KNOWS that the ONLY reason we--you or I--are here is in order for soul to evolve. It knows the truth that we're all ignoring! It's the truth and it's the ONLY truth, and all other truths are built upon soul evolution towards the Light, the one Infinity, God, Infinite Intelligence. How could I have ignored such a great truth, the one and only thing I came here to do and am not doing it, because my body and mind have been programmed like a stupid video game. Soul evolution is the only reason we are here, and yet it's the only thing humans ignore! We worry about EVERYTHING else! I'm sick of it! There, I'm finally speaking from the soul. I am Lisa, and I am with soul, and I have a body. Somehow, with the use of my mediator mind, I, as Lisa, shall get it together. It'll all come together, somehow. Thank you for reading this atrocious attack on my own existance. there will be more, much more, be forewarned. If you wanna talk about my existential breakdown, or would like to discuss your own, then contact the extraterrestrial now while she's still on earth and not too spaced out P.S. Don't pay attention to anything else on this site. It's been months and I'm a completely different person than before. Just a thought -- If we're all losing the game... then we must BREAK THE RULES! So get it together, Lisa, and figure out this silly game that we're ALL losing. Today it is: June 12th, 2008 Music I'm listening to: Is it Appalation Spring or The Planets Overture? I can't believe I don't know. Mood Ring Says: I've totally Spaced. Since I've been back on dry land I have been (losing my mind) and I jogged six miles the first day, let my rabbit tear up my room and planted some seeds and I took a lurvely 2 hour sauna yesterday. I've taken long baths, and listened to Bach and purchased Three-Part Intervention No.15 in B Minor for piano. I sat in the sunlight today, can you believe it, actual sunlight in Washington!? Summer's starting, FINALLY. Sorry if you've called and I haven't answered the phone or responded to email. Not intentional, just coincidence, that I CANNOT find my cell phone(!) and my webhost was being a bitch and my email's connected to it. Sorry, whatever, we'll hang out l8tr if that involves you. I just happened in on a Shakepearean audition for Midsummer Night's Dream. I did not audition, let's just make that oh so clear. If I did, I would be Hermia...two lovers.. I was just dropping off stuff for a thing at a place. The really interesting thing about the audition process is that (I don't know if any actors have ever noticed this) but ... it's inane. People were laughing and crying for no reason other than a piece of paper told them to! Secretly, that's what I'd love to do--write for theatre, b/c how much closer to being God can you get!? You know it's true! It was totally weird and yet oddly exciting. I do love the perfoming arts. Now, I just don't know if I could do that--cry in public! Are you insane, I don't cry in private! OMG! it's the Suite from Appalation Spring. 'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free, 'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be, --Simple Gifts, a Shaker melody, from Aaron Copeland's Appalation Spring New Poem! i have so many ideas!!!! Happiness is forthcoming. Soul, lacking it's function twitches about nervously, expectantly waiting for the one moment of it's release from bonds of prison, shackles, chains Vibrations of pain, and poisons that numb the mind the mind that is supposed to be Divine! What related field of study can compare to that feild of study about the time, the rhyme of it? I want that which I can't express, that I can't confess! It only comes into that heart that's blessed Your heart is the one that says I've messed With the fate that was dealt to me Strong with the bitterness felt Have I really lost the light to see? Nevermind. Put the past Behind! Magnified light shines bright Out of the heart that might Offer up its love to me Just touch that waning smile up at the corners, dear Beloved(s), and shine that light to see! Today it is: June 14th, 2008 Music I'm listening to: None. Mood Ring Says: I'm happier, cuz I've been in the sun by the river ...and in the river... I was guided to go to the library and pick up a book on angels. It describes who your guardian angel is supposed to be based on your birthday. For instance, my birthday is Jan. 8th, so my guardian angel is HA-RA-HA-EL: Generates visions and intuitions concerning the future. Encourages the exploration of elevated ways to resolve problems. Helps to lead a lifestyle guided by celestial ethics and enlightened by the laws of love and compassion. Here is an excerpt:
Make no mistake: Angel Ha-Ra-Ha-El is one spiritual Sherpa who will lead you far from the beaten path. Men and women who choose to follow his/her breathtaking trails can find themselves strongly isolated from ordinary social life. They can even experience the profound loneliness that both geniuses and psychopaths experience. If, by luck or design, they find their place in an artistically or intellectually open milieu, such as an astronomy lab, a large university, an association of writers, or a center for spiritual research(?), their unique visions are bound to draw attention and generate genuine respect. If not, those under the protection of Angel Ha-Ra-Ha-El might have to protect themselves from the hostile, jealous, or simply inept people who are quick to catagorize or misinterpret their visionary perceptions. (Don't let this be YOU!!!!) It may be helpful to note that one person's aerie may be anothers lonely pinnacle. From the outside, those under the protection of Angel Ha-Ra-Ha-El can appear to be dreamers who have taken up permanent residence in the cloudier realms. In fact, because of the vastness of the perspective they embrace, friends of Ha-Ra-Ha-El see what is down below and what is up above with the same clarity and can discern what is coming for the future just as well as they can brilliantly analyze the present. Needless to say, with the loving and shining help of Angel Ha-Ra-Ha-El , it is possible to call the usual assumptions into question, refine your intellectual capacities, build your knowledge from primal truths, and live--in the light of the highest ethical ideals--a deep spiritual life. Because the men and women who connect their minds to the harmonic vibrations of Angel Ha-Ra-Ha-El show a strong capacity for predicting the future, for prophecy and divination, "seeing" is a tangible part of their reality...However, those under the protection of Ha-Ra-Ha-El must show great caution when distributing their considerable gifts among their contemporaries. Prophecy is among the most beautiful fruits of the celestial harvest when it is gathered from the highest branches of the tree of universal law. in other words, precognition is a gift best used with responsibility. Men and women who sincerely respond to the call of Angel Ha-Ra-Ha-El should also remember that messengers--no matter how well intentioned--can meet with disaproval, condemnation, and depending on the social climate of the timed, exommunication from a religious institution. Share your wisdom cautiously--and be glad you aren't living in an ealier time whn no list of possible punishments was considered complete unless it included banishment or execution. In spite of the risks, those of you who count the grace of Angel Ha-Ra-Ha-El amoung your many blessings have much to celebrate. You always choose the high roads and celestial apexes. And you travel them courageously, knowing they will ultimately lead you to the loving source, eternal Creator of our planet, of all the stars, of all living things, in all spaces and in all times. (beautiful..)Source: Angel Sign Banishment, huh? Bring it on, baby, I'd love to be banished. I am a prophet. I prophesies that the world is gonna fuck up just like is is doing now, has done before, and will ever do...Ah, I'm so wise. this is interesting, because I always wanted to be an astronomer, writer, work for nasa, a spiritual institution--what's that?? I am right in my assumptions that revealing how I really think about things could be unwise--sometimes I wish I was a scientist so my word would be heard. I thought up some theories about how water would be an amazing material for limitless energy: Think about it, water is the most reflective sustance in nature, and it amplifies the power of radiance exponentially just by reflection--think about it, the arctic sun has no power of burning a person's skin on it's own, but reflected off the snow it is more than capable of sunburning an individual es. if you're extremely extremely pale, as it gives ampliance (is that a word?) to the radiations of the light source--in this case the sun, but it needn't be. And, what I'm saying is, that no matter what other kinds of amazing properties water has to give of itself, do not forget this one aspect. It can be combined with many other aspects to create self-perpetuating energy. and now I'm done. Okay--genius or psychopath? You decide. Today it is: July 17, 2008 Music I'm listening to: birds chirping at 4am Mood Ring Says: Woke up from a nightmare--jittery If you're the guy that likes to set off fireworks in the field all alone and in the dead waste of night, can I ask what the hell are you doing? There, now let me get some sleep. Really Great Live PerfomancesI love James Blunt. His music really helped me survive in the Arctic. It took me away from the bathrooms I had to clean and shit, because for some reason I really listen to every syllable of every word he says. It's captivating. Just check out these live performances. 1) James Blunt: I Really Want You 2) The late, great, beautiful Jason Raize singing Endless Night from the Lion King musical 3) Lucia Popp singing my favorite, Song To the Moon from Russalka.January 1, 2007
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